Monday, February 15, 2010

Baby Blues

I have found my self lately with the Baby I am not pregnant, that is why I am having the baby blues. My clock is ticking right now and I am so badly wanting to be pregnant. We are not trying to get pregnant (not yet anyway) and I honestly don't know when we will start trying again.

It seems everywhere I turn there are pregnant women...friends, relatives, other bloggers, women on the street, in the stores, and my daycare parents. I am happy for every woman I know and see that is pregnant right now..but I am struggling so much with wanting to complete my own family for the last time.

Just tonight I finally took down my son's baby crib (he got a big boy bed). A little part of me is wondering when will I be putting the crib back together again? I can remember every time we put the crib together for each of our children. I don't remember being sad about taking it apart each time because I knew there was going to be a next time when it would be put back together, but tonight I find myself wondering if there will be a next time? Don't get me wrong..I am so thankful that God has blessed us with the 3 perfect, wonderful, loving children that we have, but I have always wanted 4 children for our family.

I pray that God sends me a sign and lets me know when the time is right. So for now I will rejoice with my friends and family over their pregnancies but I will do so with a little bit of a heavy heart.

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I am sure that everything will work out the way it's supposed to! For me, I know whenever Spencer reaches a new milestone or when I'm packing up clothes that are too small for her now, I always feel sad. Which then leads me down the mental pathway of wishing things were different and that she could have a brother or sister near her age. I think the clock ticks faster as we see our babies aren't "babies" anymore. Or at least for me, haha! I hope everything works out the way you want it to :)


Katie, I hear what you are saying, the clock does tick faster as we see our "babies" growing up.


I can relate 100%.

I remember when my parents came in December for Mary's Nutcracker performance, my dad offered to take down the crib. Chris jumped at the chance for help, but I had such a heavy heart. Benjamin had already been sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but something about taking down the crib just didn't sit well with me.

Little did I know that I was already pregnant!

I also can relate to Katie's comment. I felt a mixture of sadness and elation at the fact that Ben was turning 3. No longer a baby, he wasn't even a toddler. He was truly morphing into a "big boy" right before my very eyes. Ironically, it was on or around his birthday that we conceived Baby #3. Perhaps my FAST ticking clock knew that I just needed one more "baby" in my life.

And now, now the gift that I longed for may be a different gift that what I asked for. If this baby does have Down Syndrome, I can only assume it is b/c God thinks that I am a special enough woman to mother a special needs kiddo.I have decided to stop crying, start enjoying the rest of this pregnancy and putting it in God's hands.

Sometimes, the timing is up to God and not us.

I'll be praying for you friend,

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